


To Have Everything and Give It All Away

by igottoomuchwriting



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Character Development, Fluff, Heaven, Kinda, M/M, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, Song Inspired, i jumped on board with the raphael headcanon, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 07:25:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20756570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/igottoomuchwriting/pseuds/igottoomuchwriting
Summary: Crowley wishes he could go back to his lover. He wants to know their touch, their name, their face. That's the only thing he would care to remember about Heaven.Until he doesn't.





	To Have Everything and Give It All Away

**Author's Note:**

> If this seems familiar, worry not. I just reposted it. No one's work was stolen.

“How is it fair that God has all the power, and we just get to do things like create stupid stars?” The angel snapped. Raphael looked at him with a confused look.

“We didn’t just create the stars. We have helped create animals, plants, everything in the universe.”

“But we never get the final say!” A second angel yelled. Raphael let out a deep sigh. He has had this conversation with his friends multiple times before and he gets where they are coming from. God has given them all choices in creations that he puts on Earth, the planet he has deemed the most habitable, but there have been many times that She has shot ideas down. Especially from his group of friends.

“We could take over,” the first angel said.

Raphael let out a scoff. “How would you even get away with doing that?”

“We are not the only ones who want to see change here,” Angel Two spoke. “Many of us want to see God show us some respect.”

“And how do you think we could get away with that?”

“Easy.” Angel One smirked. Raphael and Angel Two stared at him waiting for an answer. He looked between the confused faces on his friends before snapping. “What?”

“If it’s easy,” Raphael drawled, “then what’s the plan?”

“Well,—” he stopped, glaring at Raphael. “Well, does it matter?”

“Of course it matters. What, you think overthrowing our creator would work if you did it on impulse?”

“Of course it wouldn’t work on impulse, you dumb fucks,” they heard a fourth voice say. They all turned to see Lucifer, archangel and God’s second-in-command. The three angels froze in fear. Would he tell God what they were talking about?

“Lucifer,” they all spoke at once, bowing their heads. Lucifer let out a scoff.

“Lift up your heads, I don’t need your obedience.” The trio looked back up at him, all varying looks of worry and shock.

“Are you going to tell God what we were talking about?” Angel One asked. 

“Are you kidding?” Lucifer laughed. “You all have the same ideas I have. Why would I get rid of my followers?”

“Followers?” Raphael snapped. “What—”

“Raphael!” Raphael snapped his head behind him to see—

“Why is your lover here?” Angel Two snapped. Raphael shot a glare at the angel. 

“Because unlike you, people like to hang out with me.” The angel was about to snap back at Raphael when the fifth member joined.

“Oh, hello everyone!” he cheered. “What seems to be going on here?”

“Just talking about God’s plan,” Lucifer smiled. There was something about that smile that sent a shiver down Raphael’s spine. He looked between all the angels to see if he should be going along with it, but there was no use.

“Nothing important, love,” Raphael hummed. “Come on, we can go somewhere else.”

“Oh, no, I don’t want to take you from your friends,” he tried denying, but Raphael was already walking away. He knows he doesn’t like his friends, and he loves God more than anything. If he knew what the four of them were talking about, he would freak out.

“I will see you guys later!” Raphael called back as the couple walked away. He didn’t bother to wait for their responses as he shot up into the air away from the conversation.

It wasn’t long before the couple got to their favorite place in Heaven. You could see the stars and constellations that they have both created, and the one star that they had created and named together. Being surrounded by things that showed their love and the strength in their friendship brought so much love into the air.

“What were you talking about with the archangel Lucifer?” His angel asked once they had settled down.

“Nothing important, love,” Raphael purred. “He was just asking about our thoughts.”

There was a gap filled with silence. This was never a good thing, but there was nothing Raphael could do about it. There was obviously a lot going on in his lover’s head and he wasn’t going to force him to talk about it if he wasn’t done processing it.

He took a deep breath. “Those two… don’t believe in God’s plan, do they?”

The question didn’t shock Raphael. It was common that his friend’s were open about their doubt in God, but Raphael had faith. There was no harm in what they were doing.

“They are just… angry,” was the best he could explain it. “We all have questions and wonders of why anything is happening.”

“Do they question God’s authority?” Raphael stared at the star that they both shared, thinking hard.

“...I don’t think so.” The answer wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but it was enough. The couple fell back into silence, with Raphael’s love leaning on his shoulder and wrapping his wings around him. This was a very common scene between the two when they needed to calm down. To always be surrounded by creation and plans for the soon-to-be planets was a lot of stress on the two, especially when the archangels would never give answers.

“I don’t think you should hang around them anymore.” Raphael snapped his attention to the angel leaning on his shoulder in shock.

“What?”

“I just—” he let out a deep breath, collecting his thoughts. “They seem like they are going down the wrong path, and I don’t want you falling down that path as well.”

“I won’t,” he assured. “They are just questions. There is no harm in what they are doing.”

“Do you promise?” he asked, looking Raphael in the eyes with so much hope, so much fear. There was no way that he could ever see that look in his eyes again.

“I promise,” he mumbled before he leaned in for a kiss.

That promise was all he could think about when he saw the fire burning around him. 

That promise is what brought tears to his eyes as he faced the angels and God while standing by his friends sides, who were all chanting Lucifer's name.

That promise was all he could think of when he was shoved from Heaven and started falling.

And falling.

And  _ falling _ .

His wings burned, charing black like the abyss that he found himself stuck in and surrounded by.

He couldn’t remember the angel, couldn’t remember the love of his life. He couldn’t even remember his own name, only that he has been renamed Crawly, his friends Hastur and Ligur cheering past the pain of falling. 

He couldn’t remember the star that he created with his love, or the stars that his love created himself.

He lost his memories of Heaven, destroying his link to what his life once was.

He forgot everything.

Almost.

He could never forget the promise he broke. 

\---

The loud voice booming through the sky startled all the angels guarding the garden. She was angry, angry at the best humans that God had believed were perfect for the garden.

They all nervously looked over the wall to see Adam and Eve cowering behind bushes, staring at the sky in fear. The angel’s watching nervously as lightning struck the ground outside the garden.

The angel who was guarding the East wall was especially upset over this. He had bonded with the humans, had grown close to them, and they had made one mistake. Of course the one mistake they made was the only one that God demanded that they don’t make.

Adam and Eve dawned some clothes to cover their parts, getting ready to make their way into the unknown. Eve was expecting the first human child that will be born without God’s direct help and she was in pain, emotions all over the place, and Adam wouldn’t let her out of his sight.

The angel watched with deep sadness. He looked around the wall nervously, checking to see if any of his fellow angels were nearby. Satisfied that no one could see him, he dropped down into the garden, right in front of the entrance. Adam and Eve looked at him in shock.

“Aziraphale?” Adam asked. “What do you want?”

“Do you know what is out there?” he asked, anxious. Adam and Eve shook their heads.

“God didn’t tell us,” Eve choked out. She was the one that the snake tempted, she must feel the most guilt. 

Aziraphale studied the humans in deep thought. They were really going out into the wilderness with nothing on them. Not even the knowledge from the tree could help them in this situation.

“Here.” He reached down and pulled out his flaming sword from its sheath, holding it up to the couple. They both took a step back in fear before Aziraphale continued. “Take this! It should help you stay safe.”

They hesitated. Aziraphale understood why, as Heaven should be mad at them right now. It was one mistake though, and to leave them unguarded would be too unkind. 

Adam reached out slowly and grabbed the sword from Aziraphale. He willingly let go of the sword, smiling as Adam studied with interest. Eve looked at him smiling, hand on her stomach and arm around Adam’s waist.

“Thank you,” she spoke.

Aziraphale let them leave and now he stood at the top of the East wall, watching the couple make their way through the desert. They were scared, worried, unknown to what could happen, but at least they had some protection.

Another presence joined him on the wall, but he didn’t look. He could tell by the energy that it was a demon. Demon shouldn’t be anywhere near the wall.

“Well look at them go,” he purred. “Really, kicking them out of the garden for eating fruit? Seems kind of harsh.” 

The demon turned his head to the angel who was still avoiding eye contact. The angel was rocking back and forth on his feet, hands crossed in front of him in that posture that all sophisticated angel’s held.

“God had one rule,” he spoke. “It was to not eat the fruit from the tree. They broke the rule, so they must suffer the consequences.”

“God’s rules have always been too strict,” the demon scoffed. “What was the worst that they do with the information? Ask questions?” He quietly mumbled under his breath, “like that is such that bad of a fucking crime.”

Aziraphale glanced at the demon with a sad look, though the demon did not look at him. He kept his glowing eyes forward on the humans, watching as they fought a lion off. His red hair blew in the wind gently, wings spread out wide to show them off. He has obviously worked hard to keep them groomed and it would be a shame if he hid them away. Aziraphale couldn’t believe that this man had fallen, let everything go.

He wanted to tell the demon that asking questions can bring everything to an end. Asking questions can shatter relationships, asking questions could bring the ash to your lungs. If you ask the wrong questions, you would be questioning God. God isn’t someone to be questioned. Indeed, She knows all. She knows what She wants.

Instead of that, he asked, “What is your name?”

“Crawly,” he answered, finally looking at Aziraphale. “And you?”

“Aziraphale.” Crawly nodded his head politely—a weird motion for a demon, a motion that shot pain through Aziraphale’s heart—before turning back to the humans.

Crawly couldn’t understand why, but this angel felt familiar. He feels like he has known him forever, years and years, as if they were friends. He feels as if there is something about him that Crawly is forgetting, as if there is something that he should remember about him.

He brushes this all away. He asks about the angel’s flaming sword that he has given away, thinking that he would never associate with an angel that was this irresponsible, even when he was in Heaven. He has also probably met a lot of angels when he was in Heaven, even if he can’t remember them. God has let him remember some things from before he fell, as if She is tempting him with knowledge, trying to get him to repent his sins.

But he won’t. He has no interest in going back.

Once it started raining, Aziraphale raised his wings out of impulse. Crawly moved closer and stood under the protection, pulling his wings in so that they don’t get messed up.

There was something familiar about the motion, they both thought.

One knew why, one didn’t.

One was surprised, happy that this situation was happening. Happy that there was some protection in his life, something that he could hide under, even if it was from the rain. The other—

Well.

The other held the weight of the world on his shoulders. He had secrets that he could not speak, secrets that will remain hidden. He was deeply saddened, wishing to only revel in this slight moment. Hoping that maybe in the future, it will all change and the secrets will be released.

And neither of them had a clue.

\---

They had successfully avoided Armageddon. 

Crowley never thought they’d be able to do it, once Adam had named the HellHound and was coming into his powers. Turns out the power of ‘friendship’ and your dog being scared of you was stronger than any force of good or evil that you could ever face in your life.

Now Crowley and Aziraphale had much free time on their hands. They could basically do what they want, now that Heaven and Hell thought that they were just their own beings that couldn’t be destroyed normal ways. With all of this time, what could they do? They could work on their relationship, cause chaos, explore the world—

Or, Aziraphale could disappear to Satan-knows-where and leave Crowley all alone in his bookshop with nothing to do.

Crowley groaned and threw his head over the armrest, glaring up at the ceiling above him. Aziraphale had said he would be back from the store ten minutes ago and yet the angel still hadn’t returned.

Crowley was getting bored. He never actually liked reading, but instead watching TV or listening to music. The problem was that Aziraphale didn’t have a TV in his book shop and he didn’t have any music that Crowley would willingly listen to. So here he was stuck in the bookshop with nothing to do.

Annoyed as all hell, Crowley sat up on the couch and looked around. He has been in this bookshop thousands of times, studying every nook-and-cranny and committing it to memory. With Aziraphale gone, he had nothing better to do than go over everything that he has already seen before. 

Crowley walked around the books, scanning every name and every cover with a new interest. There are books from the 1600s, and some that Crowley was sure that were released last month. Books that were paperback and some that were hardcover. There were a lot that looked like Aziraphale read it everyday for hundreds of years and some that have never seen the light of day.

One book caught his eye.

Right in the middle of a bookshelf shoved in the way, way back was the Bible. Not the regular Bible that Crowley sees in hotels or on shows, or even in some restaurants that he goes to. No, Aziraphale has the original Bible that is written in Hebrew, one that humans printed by hand to distribute only a few at a time. You had to share the Bible through villages and homes, everyone listening to one man read the Bible in church.

Crowley sees Bibles all the time. It’s something that humans these days are obsessed with, that they would rather die than not see the Bible every few seconds. Frankly, Crowley didn’t know how it became so woven in their cultures but he didn’t like it. He was biased though.

There was something different about this one. Maybe it was the fact that it was the original Hebrew print, or that it was giving off an aura that Crowley just couldn’t help but focus on. Whatever it was, it threw Crowley back to when he was an angel. To the few memories that he has from before he fell.

_ Sometimes I feel like Adam, cause I have more than I need _

He never wanted to fall, this much was true. Crowley truly had questions for God, questions for how everything was being run up in Heaven. He wasn’t angry about it all, he was just curious.

Why were archangels a thing? Why couldn’t they all be at an equal level so that there is no tension between angels, no hatred within groups and ranks?

Why couldn’t they help with more than the stars and the planets? God has always had the last say, and frankly, Crowley thought he had plenty of great ideas.

Why did they all have to go by he or him? Some angels had female presenting bodies, but were forced to use male pronouns because God used she or her, and no one can be on the same level as God. Crowley didn’t want to be the same level as God, no. He just wanted to be seen as a girl sometimes. Humans were the only ones who would use the female pronouns. 

These questions, and doing nothing but hanging out with the wrong group caused Crowley to fall. He listened to Satan when he said that ‘God won’t let you do what you want. I will give you more freedom’ like an idiot. Satan gave him the same amount of freedom that God did, not giving him free choice. The only difference is now it is a more hostile environment. If you can’t fend for yourself than you might as well die.

For a few moments, Crowley was thrown back to the war. The fight between Satan and God, angels and the fallen. He could remember the fire and the smoke. He could remember the edge cracking with all of the angry standing on the edge. He can remember feeling the heartbreak and anger from everyone around him. 

He can remember seeing Michael grabbing Lucifer by his wings and shoving him off of Heaven first, taking bits of his wings in his palms, never to be grown back on Satan’s body. 

He can remember looking back at an angel as Gabriel shoved him off the edge, keeping eye contact with his lover. 

He remembers letting a tear down fall down his face as his lover turned away, choosing to stay in Heaven than fall with his lover.

_ I want what’s out of reach _

His lover. He can’t remember who his lover is. He can’t remember their face, their body shape, their name. He can’t remember his favorite place to be, how his wings felt in his hands or what his lips felt like against his.

He can remember being with him all the time, holding his hand and brushing his wings. He can remember keeping him away from his friends because they made him uncomfortable.

It was like God was tempting him, tempting him to repent his sins so that he can just learn who it was that he loved. Who it was that cared enough to warn him of the evils going on in Heaven.

Sometimes, Crowley thought he should.

_ Maybe I should learn my lesson _

His lover was the only question he had. He never cared about what animals he named, what plants he created, what wars he fought or what angels were his friends. He could give less of a shit for that stuff.

No, the only thing he wanted to know was his lover’s face. That alone was enough to have Crowley question being a demon. He would always question giving it away, turning it all around, just to see that angel one last time.

If he could have a name and then be thrown back to Hell, that would be fine by him. 

If he got one last kiss and was disintegrated with holy water, that would crush every feeling of guilt he has.

If he could just have one clue as to who the fucking angel was.

“Darling?”

Crowley snapped his head up to see Aziraphale standing in the doorway to the hidden room. He was holding a paper back that most likely had new books in it and he was giving Crowley a concerned look. “Are you alright?”

“Of course!” he replied. “Just bored out of my damn mind, angel. Where have you been?”

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry!” Aziraphale set down his bag and walked over to Crowley. Crowley reached out and grabbed his hand, keeping him at a comfortable length. “I got caught up in the store. I also saw a new coffee shop has opened up down the road and I was thinking that we must go! It looks very cute and the smell of their food is divine!”

_ Oh, what a waste _

Crowley watched as Aziraphale’s face lit up at the mention of the coffee shop. His smile alone was lightening up the room, and not just because he has Heaven’s light embedded in his smile, but because he was just so happy. He always loved supporting up-and-coming humans and their dreams.

Crowley loves seeing that look on Aziraphale. He has the same look when new books are released, or when a customer has an interest in an old book. Aziraphale will talk with someone for hours over philosophy and is left glowing for hours after. He beams like that when Crowley brings him a gift, or when Crowley decides to try and bake something for him when every shop around them is closed because it is two in the morning. Aziraphale is so different from all the angels Crowley has ever met, and that alone cements the decision to not go back to Heaven.

Yes, he could go back to Heaven, find the one who he loved and who loved him. He could make up for the promise he broke, could try and fix everything that he destroyed by falling. He could live a happy life in Heaven and not have to worry about watching over Earth anymore. He could do all of this if Heaven was perfect.

Crowley knows that if he went back to Heaven, no one up there would trust him. If he went back up there, they would treat him differently, and who is to say that he wouldn’t stop being ‘evil’? Why should he risk giving up everything, upsetting himself and having to go through the pain of falling again just for one angel that is either dead or doesn’t care about him anymore. Why should he risk what he has with Aziraphale just to answer the one question he could never answer?

Aziraphale is all he needs. Aziraphale is the light in his dull life, the one who has given him a chance and understands that he didn’t want to fall. He understands that he only fell because he hung out with the wrong group and asked the wrong questions. He is the one who loves Crowley for who he is, not for who he used to be. Aziraphale has clicked with him, as taken time to get along and learn. Sometimes it truly feels like they have known each other for more than six thousand years.

Yes, he regrets falling and regrets asking questions when he shouldn’t have, but when he’s with Aziraphale, that all goes away. 

Crowley pulls Aziraphale close against his body and places a firm kiss on the angel’s lips. Aziraphale let out shocked sound, but quickly leaned into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Crowley’s shoulders.

“Sure, angel,” Crowley mumbled once he pulled back from the kiss. “We can check it out. I need to cause some chaos, anyway.”

Aziraphale gave him a disappointed look and—dare he say—a pout. “Do not cause any chaos, darling. It’s such a nice day.”

“Perfect time to ruin it!” Crowley cheered, walking out the door. Aziraphale doesn’t know that Crowley won’t do much, only make someone trip into a mud puddle, but he has to keep the illusion.

“Crowley, dear!” Aziraphale huffed, following the demon out. “Do not, please—”

_ To have everything and give it all away _

**Author's Note:**

> Again, yes, I reposted it. I feel I just, didn't title it or describe it well enough??? And there was bits in there that I realized I hated so I took it down. (also meaning I just was proud and it didn't get a lot of attention so i wanted to fix it to see if that helps but if it doesn't, oh well. You can't win them all)  
I hopped on the train of Crowley being Raphael, but also, I did no bible study growing up, so if anything is weird and off, please let me know. I can keep it in mind if I ever write something like this in the future.   
I hope you guys could put together who Crowley's lover was in Heaven. I really tried making it obvious but also not??  
Also this is based off the song "Steve" by Alec Benjamin, so y'all should go check that out. It's a fucking bop.  
Come talk to me on Tumblr!: igottoomuchwriting


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